Lies I’ve Told During My Self Introduction

September 28, 2009

Another new week, another round of introducing myself to just-pubescent kids who could care less about my love for tacos. I’ve reached the point in doing this where it has gone from exciting to boring to thrilling once again – I’ve masted my introduction so well I now feel like a seasoned comedian delivering his bound-to-kill routine to a sold-out arena. This also has something to do with my latest English teacher giving me a fake microphone to talk into, so now I strut around like Patton Oswalt or something. I’ve basically lost my mind.

Like most showman, I’ve come to realize my acts peppered with various inaccuracies that have stood out the more I do this schtick. Since they weigh heavy on my conscience and I have absolutely nothing else to write about, here are some lies I tell. Enjoy!

– I’ve admittedly been doing it for years, but the “I’m from L.A.” line has become so ingrained in me I don’t even mention the desert I’m actually from anymore. I’m just from Los Angeles proper, guys. I tried to tell the students about beautiful Acton, but it just killed the momentum of everything because Acton is boring. I thought I might be able to spin it as “many movies are shot here” but soon realized none of the students have seen any of the movies I could think. “You all see the new Star Trek movie? No?”

– My undergraduate career has been simplified to “I studied journalism and worked for a newspaper for four years” because literally two kids so far have know what journalism is and none of them read newspapers (new media joke goes here), so I try not to dwell on it.

– Brett Favre isn’t my favorite football player, I’d actually like to drive a snowmobile into him.

– I don’t think I stress just how bad the Los Angeles Clippers are to the students…I just make it sound like they’ve had a bad season or two, when in reality they should be sold to China for manual labor purposes.

– Tacos in Los Angeles aren’t great just because it’s north of Mexico and “they are the best at making Mexican food.” Also – that explanation might be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever said in any capacity.

– I don’t live an hour away from Disneyland.

– I also don’t really like Disneyland, honestly. But I can’t think of a better way to alienate myself from the Mickey-shaped-pencil-box-toting students (I didn’t think it possible to create so many school supplies using only Donald Duck) than saying I don’t love love love Disney. So I’ll go on saying “it’s a really fun place” when I could buy lots of booze, stay home and YouTube A Goofy Movie and get similar results.

– I’ve never been to the top of the Sears Tower, and it’s not even called the Sears Tower…it’s the Willis Tower. Lie after lie after lie.

– Kosuke Fukodome may not actually be a famous Japanese baseball player – I never see any Cubs gear in this country whereas I can’t turn a corner without seeing Ichiro or Dice-K in some incarnation. I’ve seen more White Sox hats here for God’s sake! But Fukodome…I mean, geez, sometimes the students actually laugh when I say his name. Poor Cubs, they really do have it rough, you’ve got to feel for them. Until you remember 80% of the people at Wrigley are the most annoying buffoons you’ll ever meet in Chicago.

– “America’s great kids!!!”

– Chicago isn’t bigger than Los Angeles?!!?!?!?! Like, the actual city, not including outlying cities? Oh god I didn’t even lie I’m just stupid = (

– Obama isn’t technically from Chicago, but my fabricated answer still beats most of the student’s answer which is Africa. Birthers win again.

I hope none of these kids ever visit America, they’ll be so confused.

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