The Adventures of Fatrick: Final Fantasy XIII Elixir

December 9, 2009

Confession: I’ve never actually played Final Fantasy. I watched my cousin fight the final boss in one of them a long time ago, and I’ve read more than enough about the famous RPG series over the years to have a basic knowledge of what’s going on. I also watched this once (holy Internet memes!). Yet I’ve never played a minute of any installment of this video game. And I call myself a geek.

A new Final Fantasy game is coming out/out (?) in Japan, and the entire country has seemed to lose it’s shit over it. I see ads figuratively plastered all over TV and literally over walls via posters. The theme for the game is selling like the Japanese equivalent of hot cakes. People here love them some role playing games.

One part of the Final Fantasy merchandising bonanza popped up at my local Circle K this week – an official Final Fantasy XIII “elixir.” Oooooooo, sounds mystical! The highly reflective cans come adorned with various busty heroines presumably from the game (it appears there are no males in this game, and also no conservative dress codes). The beverage’s placement next to the stores Red Bull supply indicates this is an energy drink, which makes the “elixir” title seem appropriate as it’s only a few edgy Photoshops away from “Bulldog” or “Caution.”

But how does it taste? Will I lose/gain HP (hit points for those who went to parties during high school)?

Thanks Square/Enix!

Thanks Square/Enix!

What the hell??? This stuff looks like water and tastes…like nothing. This is a complete rip-off. It’s carbonated, yes, but that’s the only definitive feature I can detect from this “elixir.” Tastes like Sprite with everything that makes Sprite tasty cut out. I paid two dollars for this? Rainwater has more flavor.

I’ll let you know if I transform into a dragon or something later.

(Japanese Fun Fact #32: Following my Christmas lesson, one student asked if couples in America spend Christmas Eve together. The teacher explained many Japanese couples did this…and then proceeded to talk to the class about this subject with the class for the next seven minutes. He deduced Americans spent Christmas with family, while the Japanese said “screw that.” Japanese Junior High everyone!)

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One Response to “The Adventures of Fatrick: Final Fantasy XIII Elixir”

  1. stephie said

    OOOOH TOO COOL!!! I want one!

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