The Adventures Of Fatrick: Lawson’s Microwaveable Cheeseburger

April 19, 2010

And God looked down and regretted it all

And God looked down and regretted it all

Mankind has had a lot of great ideas. Mixed along with those, though, are a few total duds that should be brushed aside and never spoken about again.

I’d like to nominate the Lawson’s Microwaveable Cheeseburger for the latter category.

In theory…IN THEORY…this isn’t a completely wretched idea. Cheeseburgers aren’t common in Japan, but convenience stores like Lawson’s dot the land like buttons on shirts (I acknowledge that sucks). As long as one accepted the fact a cheeseburger sold for approximately $1.25 wouldn’t be Top Chef Masters material, it could still work as a cure to a strong burger cravin.’

Oh how short this falls.

The Lawson’s “burger” gets put on the same display shelf as Lawson’s “baked oddities,” which include a cold hot dog wedged into a dinner roll and bread with eggs smothered on it. This should of been red flag one. Or, actually, maybe red flag one should have been the fact this is a burger you pop in the microwave for 20 seconds and bam! instant meal. There couldn’t possibly be a way that ends well.

The cheeseburger comes out very small, about the same size as a hockey puck. The element of this convenience store treat that catches the eye immediately is the color of the meat…it’s not brown, or even imitation brown like the beloved AMPM cheeseburgers of my chubby childhood. No, it looks like…a fillet o’ fish? A chicken patty? That color. Vaguely orangeish, Oompa-Loompa shade. Of course, I bit into this mystery meat product.

Sad face

Sad face

I’m sure by now even you at home can guess just how this thing tasted – badddddddddddd. And look, I didn’t expect the Wolfgang Puck treatment when I paid a buck twenty-five for a microwaveable burger. Yet even knowing this would taste terrible, the cheeseburger still managed to catch me off guard in regards to texture. I’m pretty sure this thing wasn’t composed of beef. I’m not sure this thing was made of meat at all. Comparing it to meatloaf would be a great injustice to meatloaf. It’s a topic I don’t want to dwell on. The condiments conservatively plopped onto the burger aren’t much better – some stinging ketchup, mustard. The only positive I can muster up in defense of this thing is that the cheese wasn’t bad.

Make fun of the KFC Double Down sandwich all you want, but I’d rather be force fed 10 of those monstrosities than consider this again.

(Japanese Fun Fact #58 – Whenever I say “good morning” to a Japanese person, they always say it again mimicking how I say it. I think I say “good morning” weird. I guess that’s really more of a personal fun fact. Sorry.)

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